By Leslii Stevens ERYT500, YACEP, Trauma-Informed Yoga Teacher, Ayurveda Practitioner
Exploring the Psychological Impact of Punitive Parenting During the Holidays
The holidays are meant to be a time of joy, connection, and family bonding. For children, Christmas is a magical experience, a season of wonder, excitement, and belief in Santa Claus. However, for some children, this time can become a source of confusion, shame, and emotional pain when punitive tactics like giving coal as a "punishment" are used. While some parents might see this as harmless or even humorous, the long-term emotional and psychological damage it can inflict should not be underestimated.
Why Parents Resort to Coal and the “Santa Lie”
For generations, coal has been a symbolic punishment tied to folklore about “naughty” behavior. Parents who give coal often use it as a form of discipline or a warning, relying on the myth of Santa Claus as an enforcer. The narrative goes something like this: “If you misbehave, Santa will bring you coal instead of presents.” In some cases, parents take it a step further by actually placing coal under the tree or in a stocking, often while giving siblings or other children traditional gifts.
On the surface, this might seem like a way to teach accountability or discourage negative behaviors. But the reality is far more complex and far more harmful.
The Emotional Fallout: What the Experts Say
1. Humiliation and Shame
Coal is not just a “bad gift”; it’s a symbol of failure and rejection. According to child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, shaming children does not teach them better behavior. Instead, it undermines their sense of self-worth. “When children are shamed, they internalize the message that they are bad, rather than understanding that their behavior needs to change,” says Dr. Markham. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that persist into adulthood.
2. Broken Trust
When parents lie to their children, claiming Santa brought the coal, they create a breach of trust. Dr. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and shame, emphasizes that trust is built on honesty and consistency. Lying about coal may seem inconsequential, but it sends the message that parents are willing to manipulate the truth to enforce punishment. Over time, children may begin to question their parents’ credibility and struggle to trust them in other areas of life.
3. Emotional Isolation
Imagine being the only child in a household who receives coal while siblings enjoy gifts. This kind of singling-out creates feelings of exclusion and favoritism, which can damage sibling relationships. Dr. Dan Siegel, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, explains that children have a deep need for belonging. “When a child feels rejected or less valued, it activates their stress response, leading to emotional pain and insecurity,” Siegel notes.
4. Mixed Messages About Discipline
If a child has already been punished for their behavior prior to Christmas, receiving coal later on feels redundant and excessive. According to behavioral therapist Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, punitive methods like this confuse children about accountability. “Discipline should be immediate, fair, and focused on teaching,” Greene says. “When you pile on punishments, it stops being about learning and starts being about power.”
Long-Term Consequences of Coal and Shame
The psychological effects of receiving coal, or even the threat of it, can last far beyond childhood. Adults who experienced punitive parenting often report:
Low self-esteem: Internalizing the belief that they are “bad” or unworthy of love.
Trust issues: Struggling to believe in the reliability and honesty of others.
Anxiety during the holidays: Associating Christmas with stress, fear, or disappointment.
Difficulty with conflict resolution: Growing up with shame-based discipline can make it harder to navigate healthy boundaries and communication in relationships.
"Shame undermines a child's sense of self-worth."
-Dr. Laura Markham
What to Do Instead: Positive Alternatives to Coal
If your goal is to address behavior or teach responsibility, there are healthier and more effective ways to guide your child:
1. Encourage Communication:
Sit down with your child and talk about their behavior in a calm, non-judgmental way. Explain what needs to change and why.
2. Create a Behavior Plan:
Work together to set realistic goals for better behavior. Reward progress with praise, quality time, or small incentives, not material gifts, but emotional encouragement.
3. Focus on Connection:
Often, children misbehave because they are struggling with unmet needs or emotions. Prioritize spending one-on-one time with your child to strengthen your bond and address their challenges.
4. Make Christmas About Values, Not Punishments:
Shift the focus from “earning” gifts to celebrating love, gratitude, and giving. You can still set boundaries and teach accountability without tying those lessons to holiday traditions.
"Trust is the foundation of all relationships."
-Dr. Brene Brown
A Final Word: The Power of Compassion
Parenting is challenging, and it’s easy to fall back on traditions or tactics that were used on us as children. But understanding the long-term impact of punitive methods like giving coal is crucial for creating a more compassionate, respectful relationship with your child. As Dr. Siegel reminds us, “What you do with your child in moments of challenge lays the groundwork for who they will become.”
The holidays should be a time of joy, magic, and connection. By choosing empathy over shame, you can give your child the greatest gift of all: a foundation of love and trust that will last a lifetime.
with love & light
Leslii
