By Leslii Stevens Trauma Informed Yoga Teacher, ERYT500, YACEP, Ayurveda Practitioner
Triangulation: The Narcissist's Power Play
Triangulation is one of the most subtle yet deeply damaging manipulative tactics used by narcissists and other controlling personalities. It’s a strategy where one person avoids direct, honest communication by introducing a third party into the dynamic, creating a triangle of communication, conflict, and confusion. This triangle isn’t innocent; it’s designed to distort relationships, breed mistrust, and foster rivalry, all while keeping the narcissist in control.
In romantic relationships, narcissists use triangulation to make their partner feel lucky to have their attention. They cultivate an illusion of being highly desirable, spinning tales of ex-lovers who supposedly want them back or constantly hinting that others are vying for their affection. These third parties may be real or fabricated, but their purpose remains the same: to make the narcissist seem in demand, powerful, and always just out of reach. This dynamic not only flatters their partner at first but eventually becomes a weapon of emotional manipulation.
How Narcissists Use Triangulation
In the hands of a narcissist, triangulation serves multiple destructive purposes. First, it instills insecurity in their partner. By keeping other potential suitors or ex-partners in the picture, even subtly, the narcissist makes their partner fear they might be replaced. This insecurity can make the partner work harder to please the narcissist, often leading to over-attachment, dependence, or toxic levels of jealousy.
Second, triangulation provides the narcissist with a twisted sense of control and validation. Watching others compete for their attention feeds their ego and makes them feel powerful. They become the puppet master, pulling strings while sitting back and enjoying the chaos they’ve created. The more emotionally unstable their partner becomes, the more the narcissist feels validated—after all, they are now in a position of superiority.
This dynamic is not limited to romantic relationships. Triangulation can occur in families, friendships, and workplaces. A manipulative parent might pit their children against each other, favoring one while belittling the other, or might seek one child’s support in conflicts with their spouse. Friends and colleagues can also be drawn into the narcissist’s web of manipulation, making it difficult to maintain a healthy, trusting environment.
Triangulation in Family Dynamics
Within families, triangulation often appears when a narcissistic parent seeks to control their children or other family members. This tactic can look like favoritism, where one child is idealized, while another is scapegoated. The narcissist uses the favored child as leverage against the scapegoat, creating a situation where the siblings distrust each other, never realizing they’re being manipulated. This can lead to lifelong emotional wounds, strained sibling relationships, and deep resentment.
In some cases, the narcissist may use triangulation to isolate family members from one another, ensuring that communication goes through them alone. By doing this, they make themselves indispensable, controlling information and fostering a sense of dependence.
A classic example is when a narcissistic parent pressures one child to "take their side" in conflicts with the other parent. This not only puts the child in an unfair position but also drives a wedge between the child and the other parent, forcing the child to choose loyalty over healthy emotional boundaries. The child becomes an unwitting participant in the narcissist’s power game, unable to escape the drama without damaging their relationship with the parent.
Triangulation in Friendships and Social Circles
In social circles or friendships, triangulation can manifest in more subtle ways. A narcissistic friend might gossip or spread rumors about one person to another, framing themselves as the victim or confidant, while instigating conflict between others. This creates a sense of tension within the group, with individuals often unaware that they’re being played against one another.
The third party in these situations often becomes unwillingly entangled in the narcissist’s web. What begins as an innocent attempt to help or mediate can quickly devolve into a toxic dynamic where they’re forced to choose sides, pulled into conflicts they never wanted to be part of. This creates long-lasting damage in friendships, eroding trust and sowing discord.
The Narcissist’s Escape Plan: Playing the Victim
When a narcissist feels their control slipping or senses that their manipulative tactics are being uncovered, they often go into damage control mode, preemptively spreading lies or gossip about their target. This is especially true toward the end of a relationship. Before the truth of their behavior can surface, they make sure to paint themselves as the victim, labeling their true victim as irrational, unstable, or even abusive.
This tactic, known as "preemptive victimization," works remarkably well in narcissistic triangulation. By the time the relationship ends, the narcissist has already enlisted others to their side, ensuring that when the breakup or fallout happens, they’ll have a support network ready to defend their version of the story. Meanwhile, the real victim is left scrambling to explain themselves, often facing unjust judgment from friends, family, or coworkers who only heard the narcissist’s side of the story.
Unfortunately, many people fall into the trap of believing the narcissist’s lies without ever hearing the other side. This is because narcissists are skilled storytellers, using their charm and charisma to sway opinions and create a narrative where they are the misunderstood hero. The real victim is often left isolated, bewildered by how quickly the narcissist was able to manipulate others into siding with them.
Breaking Free from Triangulation
Recognizing triangulation for what it is, a manipulative power play, is the first step in breaking free from its toxic grip. If you find yourself in the middle of a triangulation dynamic, the best course of action is to disengage. Refuse to be a pawn in someone else’s manipulation. Instead, seek direct communication with others involved, clarifying misunderstandings and refusing to take sides based on hearsay.
Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with narcissistic behavior. Narcissists thrive on breaking down boundaries and creating emotional entanglements that keep them in control. By establishing and maintaining firm boundaries, you can protect yourself from getting caught up in the chaos they create.
Above all, understanding the narcissist’s tactics allows you to reclaim your power. Knowledge is the key to dismantling their control, freeing yourself from their manipulation, and ensuring that your relationships are built on trust, communication, and respect.
In sum, triangulation is a calculated, manipulative tactic designed to disrupt relationships and elevate the narcissist. Whether in romantic partnerships, family dynamics, or friendships, this strategy serves only to feed the narcissist’s need for control and validation at the expense of everyone else. By understanding and identifying this toxic behavior, you can begin to take back control of your own narrative and relationships, stepping out of the triangle and into a place of clarity and emotional freedom.