By Leslii Stevens Trauma Informed Yoga Teacher ERYT500, YACEP, Ayurveda Practitioner
Hugs. For some people, they’re warm and comforting—a quick way to connect and show affection. But for others, especially in professional or social settings, they can be uncomfortable, invasive, and downright unwelcome. Now, imagine expressing your discomfort with these unwanted touches, whether it’s a hug, a hand on the shoulder, or an arm around the waist, and having your request to stop completely disregarded. It’s more than just uncomfortable—it’s a violation of boundaries, and it leaves you feeling unseen, unheard, and disrespected.
Let’s be clear: not everyone wants to be hugged or touched in any way. And that’s okay. What’s not okay is when people don’t listen to you when you say, “No, I don’t want to be touched,” or, “Please don’t hug me.” This isn’t just a small inconvenience or a quirky personality trait. It’s about personal boundaries, respect, and bodily autonomy. Yet, in many cases, those who set these boundaries are ignored, mocked, or seen as overly sensitive. And that’s where the problem starts.
When “No” Is Ignored
For some, the act of touch, even as innocent as a hug, can trigger discomfort, anxiety, or even trauma responses. Maybe it’s due to past experiences, personal space preferences, cultural beliefs, or sensory sensitivities—whatever the reason, it’s valid. Saying "no" to a hug should be enough. Yet too often, people are met with responses like:
"Oh, come on, don't be like that!"
"I’m a hugger, you’ll just have to deal with it."
"It’s just a hug! Lighten up!"
Sound familiar? These are dismissive phrases designed to override your clear and expressed boundary. What they communicate is that the other person’s desire to touch is more important than your comfort. It's not just about physical touch—it's about power and control, whether the person crossing the boundary realizes it or not.
The Gray Area of “Friendly” Touch
It’s easy to see sexual harassment as a big, clear violation, but what about these subtler forms of unwanted contact? A hand on the back, a too-long squeeze on the arm, a hug that lingers just a bit too long—they’re often brushed off as "friendly" gestures. The problem is that these actions can create a workplace or social environment that feels unsafe or uncomfortable for those on the receiving end. And when you express discomfort, there’s a frustratingly common response:
"Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it."
"You're overreacting."
Here’s the thing: intent doesn’t negate impact. You may not have meant to make someone uncomfortable, but if they express discomfort, that needs to be acknowledged, respected, and acted upon. Full stop.
When boundaries are ignored, particularly in environments like work or school where professionalism should reign, it sends a message: your body isn’t fully your own in this space. That’s a slippery slope, and one that erodes trust, comfort, and safety.
What Happens When You Speak Up?
Here’s where things often go from bad to worse. When you finally muster up the courage to address the issue—whether it’s telling a coworker, boss, or even a friend that you don’t want to be hugged or touched—you’d think that would be the end of it, right? You’ve clearly stated your boundary; they’ve heard it, and it should be respected.
But for many, that’s not what happens. Instead, you might face dismissive comments, be labeled as difficult, or worst of all, nothing changes. You’re not heard. Your boundary has been vocalized, but it’s treated like an optional guideline instead of a hard limit.
"Oh, I forgot!"
"You’re just too sensitive."
"I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but that’s just how I am."
Notice how these responses center the offender, not the person trying to establish a boundary? They shift the responsibility back onto you, as if it’s your problem for not wanting to be touched. The emotional labor of managing the situation is placed squarely on your shoulders—again.
This is exhausting. It's like trying to maintain a bubble of personal space in a room full of people with pins. You constantly have to explain yourself, defend your boundaries, and enforce them when others should just respect them from the get-go.
The Workplace: A Hotbed for Boundary Violations
In professional settings, the stakes are even higher. When boundaries are ignored in the workplace, it can create a toxic environment where certain individuals feel entitled to invade your personal space, while you feel powerless to stop it. Workplace culture often exacerbates this issue by fostering an atmosphere where touch is normalized and refusal is frowned upon.
You might be seen as "not a team player" if you refuse a hug, or you’re labeled as "cold" if you don’t engage in the physical gestures others use to bond. For some, this pressure can feel like a subtle form of coercion—go along with it or risk being alienated, excluded, or worse, passed over for opportunities because you’re not "friendly enough."
And then there's the issue of power dynamics. If the person doing the touching holds a position of authority over you—a boss, a senior colleague—saying no can feel nearly impossible. The fear of retaliation, even if unspoken, can be enough to make you second-guess your discomfort.
But boundaries are not negotiable, and no one—regardless of their position—should be exempt from respecting them.
The System Is Failing Us
There are laws in place to protect people from harassment, including unwanted touch, but like many legal protections, they often feel toothless. Reporting these incidents can be a long and frustrating process, filled with bureaucracy, paperwork, and, too often, inaction.
Those who step forward to say “I don’t want to be touched” aren’t asking for much. They’re asking for respect. And yet, they’re met with resistance from both individuals and systems that are designed to protect them. Why? Because society still struggles to understand that unwanted touch—whether it’s a hug, a pat on the back, or a hand on the arm—is a violation of personal autonomy.
You shouldn’t have to file a formal complaint, speak to multiple HR representatives, or confront legal hurdles just to assert your right to not be touched. Yet here we are, in a world where some people still don’t take "no" for an answer.
What Needs to Change
We need to normalize respecting boundaries without question. If someone says they don’t want to be hugged, don’t hug them. It’s that simple. There shouldn’t be a need for long explanations, justifications, or apologies for asserting a boundary. And on the flip side, those of us who are told “no” need to accept that without taking it personally.
At the workplace, there needs to be a stronger focus on education and training about personal space, consent, and respect. HR departments must take these complaints seriously and respond with appropriate action, rather than brushing them off as minor infractions. And, of course, we need to advocate for stronger enforcement of existing laws around harassment and unwanted touch, ensuring that people can work and exist in spaces where they feel safe and respected.
Your Body, Your Rules
Ultimately, this is about more than just touch. It’s about having control over your own body. It’s about being heard when you say, “This is my space, and you need to respect it.” It’s about recognizing that boundaries, once set, are not negotiable. And it’s about demanding that workplaces, social settings, and society as a whole respect those boundaries without question.
So, the next time someone brushes off your discomfort with a hug or a touch, remember: you’re not overreacting. You’re not being too sensitive. You’re simply asking for what should be the bare minimum—respect for your personal space and autonomy. And that’s something worth standing up for, over and over again, until everyone gets the message.
With love & light
Leslii