By Leslii Stevens Trauma In-Formed Yoga Teacher, ERYT500, YACEP, Ayurveda Practitioner
When we think of narcissists, we often picture someone self-centered, manipulative, and obsessed with control. But there's another, equally insidious element in the world of narcissism, the existence of "flying monkeys."
The term "flying monkeys" comes from the classic film The Wizard of Oz. In the movie, the Wicked Witch of the West commands an army of winged monkeys to carry out her orders, no matter how evil. What’s fascinating is that after her death, the monkeys celebrate, showing they weren’t inherently bad. They were simply following her out of fear and conditioning.
In psychology, flying monkeys is used to describe the people who do a narcissist’s bidding. These individuals friends, family members, or colleagues may act as the narcissist's enablers, carrying out their dirty work, often without fully understanding the harm they're causing. The narcissist sits back, pulling the strings, while the flying monkeys manipulate, gaslight, and harass their target.
What Are Flying Monkeys?
If you’ve ever set boundaries with a narcissist or tried to distance yourself from their toxicity, it's often a flying monkey who swoops in to “smooth things over.” But by smooth things over, they usually mean gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and manipulating you into doubting your own reality. They may insist that you’re overreacting, minimizing the narcissist’s actions, or encouraging you to simply “let it go.”
Dysfunctional families or toxic social circles tend to cater to the most toxic person in the bunch, just like how the flying monkeys catered to the Wicked Witch. In these dynamics, family members or friends bend over backward to keep the narcissist happy, while the narcissist sits back, enjoying the chaos they’ve created. They watch as others do their dirty work, relishing in the power they wield over both their target and the flying monkeys.
Why Are Flying Monkeys So Effective?
Flying monkeys can be dangerous because they act as the narcissist’s shield, confusing, isolating, and overwhelming the target. The target may already be dealing with gaslighting from the narcissist, but now they face an entire network of enablers supporting the narcissist's twisted narrative.
What makes flying monkeys particularly challenging to deal with is their lack of empathy and integrity. They often have weak wills and are more interested in maintaining the status quo than standing up for what's right. Some of them may act out of fear of the narcissist's wrath, while others enjoy the role of "fixer," getting a sense of importance by playing peacemaker. Either way, they're not helping you—they’re helping the narcissist.
How to Deal with Flying Monkeys
Dealing with flying monkeys is exhausting, but understanding their role in narcissistic abuse can help you protect yourself. Here are some strategies to manage these enablers:
1. Recognize the Flying Monkeys for What They Are
Understand that flying monkeys are not acting in your best interest. They may seem like they're trying to mediate or help, but their real loyalty lies with the narcissist. Don’t fall for their manipulative tactics or guilt trips.
2. Set Boundaries
Clearly communicate your boundaries and, most importantly, stick to them. Flying monkeys may try to break down your defenses, but staying firm in your limits is key. Don’t engage in arguments or allow them to manipulate you into feeling guilty or responsible for the narcissist’s behavior.
3. Seek Support
Surround yourself with people who truly understand and validate your experience. Whether it's friends, a support group, or a therapist, having people who see through the narcissist’s tactics can be invaluable. Therapy or counseling can help you process your feelings and navigate the complex dynamics of dealing with narcissistic abuse.
4. Practice Self-Care
Protecting your mental and emotional well-being should be your top priority. Engage in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and peace. Whether it’s spending time with loved ones, practicing mindfulness, or pursuing hobbies, self-care helps build your resilience.
5. Limit Contact
If possible, limit or even cut off contact with both the narcissist and their flying monkeys. Protecting your peace and well-being may require maintaining distance from anyone connected to the narcissist. Even if complete separation isn’t possible, minimizing interaction can reduce the stress and emotional toll on you.
Conclusion
Flying monkeys may seem like loyal defenders of the narcissist, but they are often victims of manipulation themselves, conditioned to carry out the narcissist’s wishes. Regardless of their motives, they play a crucial role in perpetuating the abuse. Recognizing their behavior for what it is and setting firm boundaries can help you protect yourself from their influence.
Remember, you are not alone in dealing with flying monkeys. Trust your instincts, stay strong, and always prioritize your own well-being. Much like the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz, the narcissist's power fades when those around them stop participating in their game. Stay grounded, protect your peace, and know that you don’t have to fight this battle alone.
with love & light
Leslii